i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
"Students using Axe body spray to light selves on fire" is a real headline from a real newspaper. WHY AREN'T WE DOING THIS RIGHT NOW?
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
So that'd what fifty dollars of chicken at 7/11 looks like. Made it to work on time. Puked twice. BOOM.
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
She apologized again the next day. I said it was pee under the bridge
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
When the sex is so good, you need three fans and have to chug a gallon of water after
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
This lady is talking to me and all I can think about is getting face fucked and doing cocaine. Not neccesarily together and not neccesarily in that order
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