drink some water, pull the trigger, get a bfast sandwich. Only good things.
where am i from again
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
Well, find something you can use as a snorkel and be aware of your surroundings.
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
he got everyone in a room, turned off the lights and started throwing knives at the wall. if you got hit, you had to drink...
The air was thick with penises
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
I'm supposed to be maturing, but no instead I'll be shitting my pants in Delaware for my 30th.
Hahahaha nah you won't shit your pants - but you will fully try mushrooms.
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
Randomize
