you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
we should hire that guy that makes pancakes that we met last weekend for our next party. He can feed us, and regulate!
Ok fine. Wild. Free. Like a stallion set free in a beautiful meadow filled with flowers and sexy lady horses
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
Well right but if we go, he may just disappear for a long time into the unknown with the drag queens.
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
I've been to his house multiple times since that night and I STILL can't find my bra. And he says the hot tub ate my thong.
I don't need to know how horny your mother is, hun.
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
Does fucking him in the back of the car with the sun roof retracted count as star gazing?
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