THE most awkward situation I have EVER been in
Also, I just threw up a little in my mouth and had to act like everything was totally fine.
Yeah, but I'm out of licorice and there's no way anywhere near here will rent us all mopeds on a Tuesday night.
having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
I cant help but queef when the male extremity enters
What is a male extremity?
i didnt realize it was that long since you've had sex
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
Also I think I'm starting to get calluses on my hands from my level of sexual activity
I told you all we needed steroids to survive the tour de franzia, like the bikers. But nobody listened...
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
How long until you're healed?
Physically? A week or so. Emotionally? The scars of dislocating my knee at a frat and flashing my panties to the whole crowd wi never heal.
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
Sex was followed by homemade breadsticks. I waited till after the breadsticks were gone to tell her i had a gf.
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