Would you object to my putting the bidet video on my Facebook page? It;s awesome.
i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
he asked me out through an event invitation on facebook, the title read Romantic Dinner For 2
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
Is it weird that out of everything, Im most worried about chipping a tooth on his prince albert?
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
Let's get weird.
It's 10 am...
I'm assuming that means you're not busy...
Abby spilt her vodka all over the train's bathroom floor
WE'RE THE ONES DRESSED UP FOR THE LARGEST DRINKING HOLIDAY IN AMERICA WHO ELSE ON THIS TRAIN IS A SUSPECT FOR THIS SMELL?!
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
Well, I guess you are not meant to have this fucking picture of an adorable baby duck.
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
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