He's on drugs...like drugs for horses.
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
just had dinner with my dad's new gf and her daughter.. had to drink a beer to get through it.. she's 19 she has on a disney watch and snowflake earrings
I'm afraid my bank account can't handle syllabus week.
I don't know if you remember, but I was only wearing an afghan.
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
This is your monthly public service announcement that sexual services will temporarily cease from Wednesday night to Monday. Please plan accordingly and have a nice day =D
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
Its kind of weird knowing that im only seeing you that day to fuck in some woods
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
yeah the cops just showed up and they got there ass handed to them at beer pong.
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
Randomize
