If it makes you feel better, I doubt anything could survive in your uterus.
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
The sex was so good I went temporarily numb. Slightly embarrassing when she pointed out I was kissing my own arm.
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
My whole sorority girl exterior is just a lie. I'm a fat tumblr girl on the inside.
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
Yes I went home with her last night. I woke up this morning and ran into my boss on the way to the bathroom. Monday is going to suck at work.
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
Randomize
