I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
i jus got home and totaly forgot i had nut all over the back of my shirt
..im mad u rememberd about that
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
I don't know, But i remember him licking ecstasy off my boobs and my boyfriend cheering him on
I found her in the trunk, smoking a cigarette, saying every girl should know how to get out of their trunk
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
Adults smoke weed in footie pajamas man. You just gotta accept me for who I am.
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
It wouldn't be New Years Eve if we knew where we would be at midnight
Medicine hack, old crowe and ramen flavor packets isnt a cure for the cold.
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
Randomize
