Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
Waaait I'm alsleep in myt car somewhere
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
Imagine that my comprehension level is that of a 7 year old and explain your plan again
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
Shots. Renamed a guy (he looked like a Scott to me), running, bloody Marys, walk to Safeway, donuts, ride home from someones husband, Nurse Jackie. FIN.
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
Well I'm going to hell. But I'm going after multiple orgasms.
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
Randomize