i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
Just wandered into a surprise final. Only a surprise for me though. I wish I could say this is the first time this has happened.
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
i like him when i'm sober AND when i'm drunk.i've been searching for this my whole life
I held his ankles while he hung off the top bunk attempting to get my pillow that fell off.
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
I hope after we constantly bang for 2 days straight we can agree to be friends again
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
Just wiped the ashes off my forehead before he came over to have sex. Definitely going to hell.
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
Randomize
