i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
our night together was a product of my beer goggles and jennifer aniston-like desperation.
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
I'm in the "I'd rather have Carbs than Dick phase" part of my Life right now. YOU tell me how much Skinny Sex I'm having.
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
Yeah he told me he wanted a serious relationship, but he's posting pictures of his dick on Kik.
I'm glad I can share my workout progress with you via my nudes
How is it??
I'm drinking Gatorade out of a champagne flute.
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
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