If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
My grandmother just explained bulimia to me as a diet
Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
It's something I can't competently describe without making sex sounds.
she said she doesn't remember seeing me at all last night. ...I was with her for six hours, there's no way she could have been blackout the whole time
She deleted me on Facebook. I think it's safe to say that she knows I fucked him now.
We had an argument over whether or not she had super strength. She settled it by dragging me to the bed room and throwing me on the bed. Then forcefully fucking me. She won the argument.
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