He kept asking me to take off my bra and I sat up so he could. He fumbled with it for a few minutes and when I sighed and went to undo it he goes, "Yeah, you got this."
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
He tried to pick up a girl by telling her about his homosexual experience in high school.
we marched down beaver avenue with lit tiki torches humming the olympics opening song.
Also, I've sobered up around 5am, in Delaware. I remember making this decision, and highly regret it now.
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
Props to the guy on crutches playing edward forty hands. Dedicated to drinking games is an understatement.
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
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