this morning i woke up with my panties on and i knew where i was. success.
at roughly 3:30am you called me saying you were gonna start a big game of strip twister in politics class and i was your partner.
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
The man was doing everything in his power to get away from his wife, including go into the gay club.
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
Honestly I don't even have room for feelings after that Taco Bell
Dude she smelled like bar-b-que sauce. I can't think of anything better.
COKE WAS NOT ON THE ITINERARY FOR TONIGHT.
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
Randomize
