I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
Was there a Canadian at your party or did I dream that?
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
My favorite bartender added me on Facebook. Now he can clearly see how under 21 I am
there is a video of me on Facebook getting mad at a trash bin what the fuck was in your Pepsi
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
did you just try to prove your straightness by quoting a lady gaga song?
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
i'm not so sure everythign we did last night was legal...
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
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