I hope i woe up in your car, or else i stole someone elses and slept in the back seat
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
She is ok w me having sex for money. Just gotta find rich grandmas.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
Why on earth is he slamming his body into the wall again?
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
So now I have had sex with 2 people my son graduated high school with.
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
It's like a donut of clothes around a pair of heels. Like they were transported to another dimension naked.
Randomize
