If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
I need your advice and before you say it, no, it cannot be solved by a blow job
You clearly don't understand the power you wield with your mouth.
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
I'm sure we could make a ball of yarn and a nickel into a drinking game
also, am i correct in guessing that advertising the size of my hypothetical penis is a turnoff to him?
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
ALL I WANT IS SEMEN IN/ON/AROUND MY BODY. WHY IS HE MAKING THIS SO HARD.
Randomize
