I want to snug with you.
You want my snuggie?
Good luck man
I dont need it. Shes easy.
If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
We just weren't working out together, on a completely unrelated note some guy that i talked to on his grinder account said i could crash at his place
I envy your ninja level of don't give a fuck
So you let the Viking explore your nether regions?
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
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