anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
She's cheated on every boyfriend she's ever had with the same guy. She's like a slutty yo-yo.
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
Two dudes. Loud music. Dancing shirtless possibly naked. Why would I ever need cable?!
MAYDAY. glass in foot, have crush on guy with mullet.life is over.
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
She is getting high and watching the Hobbit. I want her life.
So she is basically watching her own life story: short people traveling to strange places.
Randomize
