yeah. then i thought it would be a good idea to show them how hairy my armpits were, so they'd be distracted from the bush in my pants. EPIC FAIL.
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
At one point I was double fisting both beer & ice cream. I love public events in this town.
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
That's the kind of break up sex that keeps couples together. Damn.
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
By the way, anytime you want to go toe to toe on Doggystyle lyrics just let me know!
Who is this? Did we just become best friends?!
Get his dick out of your ass and put on some pants we're here
YAS. BRING CRAB.
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
She just. Cock slapped me. With string cheese.
I know we agreed to cock block each other from now on buttt I WANT this one. I have felt his penis, it is godly, and I am going to have it inside of me, so shut the fuck up and leave.
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
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