you know he's having a sex change. I can't believe you called him "titty man" to his face....
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
AND I JUST GOT FUCKING DAUGHTER ZONED. NO. I'M DONE. I HATE BOYS. ASEXUALITY HERE I COME.
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
This amicable friendliness is dull. We either need to start fighting or fucking around. I'll even let you pick.
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
Depends how u look at it. Half-full, half-empty, or how should I shave my pubes
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
Randomize
