if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
You basically tried to anal probe my passed out friend with a lamp
Wtf. I just got invited to a threeway bj session in the bathroom at boiler. Lmao
They tried. Someone started to yell beer shower but he spun around and punched them in the mouth before they even finished saying beer. He's a fast little drunk.
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
For the record we tried to find 4th of july porn. Did not turn out well.
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
I woke up completely naked with the exception of my leg warmers. Last night must have been interesting.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
should i feel bad about fucking you on my front lawn the day before you set me up with your best friend?
I'm not sure you count what happened last night as sex.
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