My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
I think I am the only girl in the world who would be proud of these scars from rug burn.
found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
We had an argument over whether or not she had super strength. She settled it by dragging me to the bed room and throwing me on the bed. Then forcefully fucking me. She won the argument.
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
