i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
Bret has after-school detention for writing Brianna has a stinky vag on the ground at recess.
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
The only reason we got away with streaking last time was cuz we had those miner hats
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
I'm recovering from the blowjob...She's doing her taxes...
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