i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
I made a google map for "places I got blow jobs"
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
He woke up licked his hand and put it on my vag and went back to sleep. This is twice this week and its only wednesday
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
So i do have strep. My apologies to the british guy from this weekend. You now have one more reason to hate america
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
So, just in case you go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.. Sam is asleep in the first stall.
4 out of 7 roommates in one month isn't that bad if you think about the fact that 3 of them were in the last 24 hours
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
why is there a porcupine in the kitchen
Dude... this pee is not alleged
YOU SAT ON MY LAP!
Wuddup pee lap
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