Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
Dude, I just had an awesome rave/orgy with like bunch of hot Asian chicks on a cable car. It was like being in a Gwen Stefani video, cept w/o the bad spelling
God, I love San Francisco.
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
One huge ass giant mistake followed by celebatory shots and coors lights thats my day in a nut shell
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
The bad news is I fucked my exes girlfriend. The good news is I100% understand why he left me
he looks like the poster child for myspace how the hell does he have other hoes?
Im sorry for telling you id rather jump into traffic than date you again. I didnt mean to be so rude
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