Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
is it sad that i can masturbate and get my big O just from thinking about a Tiffany engagement ring?
In a bar in glasgow talking to a 12 year old about life. Welcome to Kentucky.
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
I gave him the white girl "you spilled my psl look" and walked away
I watched a compilation video today of a guy banging his sex doll to edm music. I just had to tell someone.
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