He just found another high guy at wal-mart. There now friends. His friend is eating a cupcake
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
Last night I woke up and the national rep of his frat was sucking my toe.
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
i woke up with fake boobs glued on my chest and a large black dildo on my hand. then i had to dress myself and walk home. people saw.
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
At this point it's more of an experiment to see how much actual bush growth is possible. See, being single can be both educational and surprisingly comfy!
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
so apparently over the course of the night my roommate and i had sex in exactly the same spot. ps the downstairs sink needs cleaning.
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
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