we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
This girl has a second refrigerator that she uses JUST for liquor, her kitchen chairs are kegs AND she can grill. I'm not coming back.
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
i know this sounds kinda weird but his cock smelled like fabric softener. it was so refreshing.
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
What a dumb baby whore.
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
Definitely ended up doing Coke with Chewbacca in the porta potty behind the haunted house.
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
Randomize
