My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
i am positive it's ok to drink. it's just pieces of the plastic knife i forgot was in the blender.
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
It's like he's trying to get head in every car except his.
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
he called me 'mate' and i had to remind him that you dont call people mate who continously make your dick hard
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
so apparently over the course of the night my roommate and i had sex in exactly the same spot. ps the downstairs sink needs cleaning.
Saw a sign that said the chorus of never gonna give you up was enough time to wash your hands. Coronavirus has Rick rolled me.
Just because I'm asexual doesn't mean I can't have a revenge fuck.
Randomize
