matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
I want to make a porn site called "girls with daddy issues"
found POGS while I was cleaning my room this morning. Definitely bringing them back to school to turn into a drinking game.
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
Nothing brings people closer than bonding over tequila shots and running from campus security.
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
Mostly what I remember is someone saying "raise your hand if you're too turnt" then raising my hand and falling
Wtf is this place? I don't see any alcohol and I feel like we were supposed to bring our own strippers.
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
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