If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
imagine if we didn have a dick. we would be so much more productive
Buying weed on Christmas. Gotta love Jewish drug dealers
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
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