He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
i just saw an ambulance and a fire truck pull away from the dorms. it appears somebody actually IS feeling shittier than me today.
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
you were sitting on your bed looking out the window, rocking back and forth naked, saying how peaceful it looked outside
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
Running across campus through Hurricane Sandy while hammered and in a slutty cowgirl costume obviously should be top priority tonight
This guy has a theme song for the joints he rolls
I'm a lady who knows what she wants in life, and that's uncommitted dick.
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
its liver damage thursday
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
Randomize
