i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
By the way, shout wipes are a gift from god for people that throw up on themselves.
Do you ever look back at facebook pics and say, "are those really guys I had sex with?"
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
I pretty much just threw a bunch of clothes and my vodka in a bag..idk where I'm gonna end up tonight but I'm prepared.
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
Hook ups at LEGOLAND don't count right?
Are we playing inappropriate sexual encounters bingo?
I just set my acrylic nail on fire while trying to light my blunt
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
Sorry 4 always trying to rope you into my sexual exploits
I can't really feel a difference, so essentially I paid 60 bucks to bedazzle my vag.
Randomize
