I'm so fucking centered right now
Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
he was lying next to me and i saw him text "score" to someone.
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
He sat there and debated the pros and cons of hooking up with me
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
We went from zero to drunk tank in 45 minutes.
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
Packing for college has become a game of where did I hide my sex toys.
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
You can't just drop that I might be walking into a foursome and leave it at that
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
