I only kidnapped one of them. chill
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
He probably has his cowboy hat on, that's his house hat.
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
this is why ugly people need low self esteem. it stops them from doing shit like this.
I'm gay. Congratulations to whoever had January 2014 in their pool.
I walked out in my coconut bra, and that's when it all went downhill.
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
Randomize
