last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
They're all gay and their wifi network is named HOMOS. I want to live with these people.
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
the only thing coherent you said from what i saw of you is when you were throwing up, i asked if you were done and you just "uh huh you know what it is"
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
You know you went through something intense when you actuallu applaud yourself for not shitting your pants
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
I AM DRUNK AND AGGRESSIVE ABOUT CURLING!
The US is in the finals, aren't they.
Randomize
