Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
i'm calling it girls night to make myself feel better but lets be real.....i wasn't going to get any guys tonight regardless
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
I've actually, minus lsat night have actually changed my drinking habits
the cops accepted 42 wallaby way Sydney. and the cops, and cab driver accepted the new address. please tell the win i am experiencing
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
He said that he doesn't like skittles. This relationship is over an it hasn't even started yet.
He took initiative. Dragged me into the kitchen and did me on the stove....while it was on! And then we made nachos.
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
Randomize
