I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
She made me repeat after her: "I take responsibility for what I put in my own mouth."
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
What a good family we'd make, him and I and our kids and his good dick.
Eventually the creepy theater major quirks will come out. Probably in bed. Like role playing as the Phantom of the Opera
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
You did it first. I was merely expressing my support for you, by pressing my testicles against a window.
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
We get drunk and make out in different places. Is that what love is?
I'll give you some choices for what to get me for Christmas. 1.You naked. 2.You naked 3.You naked.
well I got an eye infection from a stripper motorboating me but overall it was a great weekend
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
Randomize
