woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
Sorry I forced you to take an adderall at 1am and then proceeded to dance to Lose Yourself outside of Qdoba.
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
We can't be fuck buddies. You stare into my eyes while we fuck.
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
There are leaves in my underwear?
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
Randomize
