I can't remember last night. I must have yelled at your girlfriend til she cried again.
Yup.
And I wrote a rap so it was actually a productive afternoon minus not paying our bills.
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
i love you. like a brother. a brother that i had sex with more than once.
We started a mustache riot at white castle at 4 in the morning. Will explain in detail.
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
That accounts for only three of the penises
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
Ethically, this is the worst thing I've ever done. Financially, however...
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
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