you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
Girls don't like it when you cum inside them and then discuss baby names.
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
In all fairness I didnt see your dick because it was already in her
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
It's funny because every time I go up and down the stairs it's an adventure. A A DRUNK ADVENTURE. PS I ALREADY THREW UP WTF
It was crazy man, at one point after already going 3 rounds I tried to breakaway for a smoke...she yanked me by the nipple hair back on top of her.
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
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