It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
i was blowing him and "what if god was one of us" came on his playlist. I had to leave
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
If we get out of this alive, I'm never going to a Denny's at 3 am again.
YOU GOT KINKY WEIRD ICE CREAM HEAD ON FRIDAY DONT EVEN COMPLAIN.
didn't realize her mom was home while we were fucking, but she's oddly okay with it. she made us food afterwards. but then kept talking about having grand kids the whole time. is it time to bail?
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
As he was cumming he yelled "Yahtzee" then said im free to go. Thats my one night stand
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
OMG OMG OMG Ive hit the penis jackpot
It seriously took everything in my power not to sleep with him
What did it come out and serenade you? Lol
It sang to me in the dark. It was magical
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