nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
Let me guess--your parents are cousins.
It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
I really need to get laid. I'm telling at least 10 girls that I love them tonight.
Odds are at least 1 out of those 10 girls will be as crazy as you and will be into it.
You threw up on yourself, then proceeded to tell us "to not make a mess in your car"
We're past the whole "Did she just try to finger my ass?" Stage. Now it's encouraged.
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
True bitches know their best friends favorite Boones Farm flavor.
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
Randomize
