I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
i don't know how the hand towel got involved, but i peed all over it
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
oh come on since when have relationships been boundary lines for us
fair point
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
gymnastic barn sex. fuck i wish i hadn't blacked out
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
If my drunken penis pic is ever to be forgiven id like to start over with all that
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
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