Just bored and untired. I want to be in Austin. At college. Drinking someone elses alcohol. Am I asking too much of life?
No, I was feeling sad because all of the other girls were like model-skinny. But then I remembered that I had big boobs and went to hit on their boyfriends.
dude my 8 year old cousin is allowed to drink wine coolers. as long as its infront of my aunt. wtf
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
Dude I swear I heard "geet out!!!" when I went down on her. I shouldve listened.
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
MY WHOLE FAMLY IS TALKING ABOUT MY BUTT
WAIT I'M COMING I WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT TOO
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
Officially not baby mama #3. Celebration is in order.
Randomize
