I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
All in all only spent $2 at the bar ln... Fucking love having a vagina
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
I came so hard I went blind for a few seconds.
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
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