Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
I feel like I just need to fuck him after all his effort. like a "hey man good try" like those kids who get last place and still get a trophy.
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
That's why i need nudes. Plutonic nudes.
My dad told me I would need to be my mom's DD tonight. So, that's how my Easter weekend is going down.
Buying a new pipe this morning, and setting up career plans this afternoon. It's called balance
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
Stop trying to mix nacho cheese and sex. Guys don’t want hot cheese near their junk. Pick a better fetish
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
Randomize
