I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
I heard a loud ass thump and then I saw both dogs coming around the corner.... Without him. I went to check out what happened and the dogs apparently pulled him down onto his face, knocking him out.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
Dude you of all people would miss her giving him a handjob in front of the whole party
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
they just got in argument over who had more of your dick pics. quit sending shit to my sisters fucker
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