Party's warming up, a tranny just got here...
Im def. not watching the CMAs. If Kanyes not gonna be there whats the point?
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
Is it a bad thing I remember to take my birth control when I stumble across guys I've had sex with on facebook?
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
i woke up in just my socks. my clothes were outside, he had rugburn on his elbows, and a window was broken.
He's short and fat and honestly I think he's what my self esteem was made for
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
Now everytime I sit on a toilet I think about having sex with him. Great.
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
Why do so many fanfic writers want to see hockey players get pregnant?
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