Oh my god you would drunk register for a marathon.
what was i supposed to do!? wake up and actually ask her name??
Yeudjkisdjxbfceryuj. i love having a qwerty keyboard just so i can do that.
Studying for the exam.. Identifying the portraits using phrases like "large penis"
It's a good thing i didn't end up pregnant...i would have had to figure out his last name.
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
Were taking tot shots. If toddlers could drink these are the size of shots they would take
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
There's nothing like when u really click with a stripper
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
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