GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
I was surprised he admitted he couldnt keep up. We both knew but usually they dont come out and say it
To say he's a good fuck is like saying the beatles had a bit of success. My vag is still mourning the fact he moved.
I'm wearing red that night.
Noted, what shade?
Whore.
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
I'm ne vrr drinkjng againnnnnnnn dforeal.
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
Just boned her on my desk. on top of my term paper. take that professor dipshit
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
Randomize
