my boyfriend just said he'd go down on me if I gave him my password to facebook
Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
apparently 20 random guys watched the process of me being carried on a mattress through the dorms
not exactly restoring sanity, but he is throwing up on the national mall right now
I'm sorry. I think I have multiple personalities. Or it was the acid. Either way. I'm sorry.
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
I don't know his last name, but he's in phone as Pat the conqueror.
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
You where banging on the wall asking us where we hid the door...you then crawled under the deck thinking you'd be safe. I told you to eat the nachos before the party...I told you.....
Randomize
