We have sex, then he cooks. It's like a fantasy.
THAT stays in the CAR. And if one fucking person who was NOT in the car brings it up, I will KILL you. Thank you.
..So we should take it off Youtube?
IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
please don't fuck her on my bed i'm too poor for laundry quarters
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
I need to calm my uterus...
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
I did put on a shirt to start the night, right?
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