i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
I keep pulling short curlies out of my mouth. Not cool
Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
part of me always dies a little when i go to the "2 women seeking 1 man" section in craigslist's casual encounters to find nothing there. it's tragic
i had to do the walk of shame dressed as a leprechaun. I have never been more proud of my irish roots.
Not enough clothes on. Not enough vagina. Not enough drugs in my body.
I literally just wrote "I'm sorry" in my blue book, got up and walked out
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
had more orgasms than hours of sleep last night
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
Randomize
