She had hickeys... what's up with that?? HAHAHA
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
I mean looking back on it, it's unlucky but at least now we can say we were in jail from 2011 to 2012
That's thinking positively..
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
After i finished him. He goes "youre a champion"... Then whispers "forever"
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
Randomize
