is it bad that the cashier at chick-fil-a shouted "see you tomorrow!" as i drove away?
mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
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