im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
she'd have to be at LEAST a cup size bigger for me to even consider putting up with her voice
the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
Pregnancy confirmed. Complete emotional instability achieved. I just cried through 95% of Avatar.
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
No, "because my penis told me to" is not an acceptable answer to that question
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
Just read 119 best sex positions. I wanna try 107 of them. Can I put you down for 50?
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
A homeless man gave him a blanket and an ambulance drove him to sarahs...
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
welp, we watched the human centipede high last night and my mind literally shut down, when i came to all i could hear was mel saying EAT EAT HIS SHIT
Randomize
