I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
the fact that my dorm room overlooks a children's daycare is enough initiative for me to have safe sex.
The walk home from the bar is FAR more shameful in daylight.
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
Had sex in a cemetery last night during a thunderstorm. I feel like my goth points have skyrocketed
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
I just love that a strip club has taco Tuesday.
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
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