3.50 mugs at the bar.
Nah man, im with an ugly chick. Im waiting til everyone's drunk enough tonight, they don't notice.
How ugly, and does she have friends?
My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
It's not true, it's not true! She's too full of cheese to have sexy time!
I don't know how but I have our hotel room door handle in my purse... this can not be good
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
That freshman guy that keeps trying to hook up with me just saved someone's life ... Should I reconsider?
Dude. You dropped to your knees and face planted into the rocks. And continued to talk on the phone and laugh. That's where those cuts came from.
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
its not everyday you see batman on the ground with someone riverdancing on his face bourbon street never disappoints
And I woke up by myself with peanut butter.. Cool
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
I feel like you're the sexual bearcat I've always wanted to be.
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