eh.. i should've known it was headed downhill after he used the phrase "pussy sundae"
i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
Yeah the sex got weird after I said "who's your daddy?" and she actually moaned her dads name.
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
im just letting you know I walked in on you with four different guys last night. a. you were all naked. b. they're all roommates
youll appreciate my drinking habit one day...
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize
