hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
wow, so sex, not that great its like masturbating with a warm towelette, like the kind you get at a japanese restaurant
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
it took us a while to figure out sex on a tire swing, buuuuuuuut MISSION ACCOMPLISHED
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
You are so predictable. I am willing to bet 20$ that instead of going out you are sitting on your couch, stoned, watching Seinfield re-runs and eating cheezits.
1. they're goldfish. 2 fuck you
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
I think I was high. I asked a dude at chillis if they had a cereal buffet
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
Yes I went home with her last night. I woke up this morning and ran into my boss on the way to the bathroom. Monday is going to suck at work.
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
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