Dude. I haven't taken a shit in a week.
Try anal, it works wonders.
Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
our night together was a product of my beer goggles and jennifer aniston-like desperation.
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
Imagine that my comprehension level is that of a 7 year old and explain your plan again
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
don't you dare blame getting arrested on me. you sugested we play the penis game and we all know I'm a strong competitor
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
candyland with pharmaceuticals ... what could go wrong
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
I think I puked in the middle of sex last night if that's any indication as to how drunk I was.
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
Randomize
