this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
i'm at the point now where i want him to say anything. even an apology for his boomerang-shaped penis would be nicer than no comment.
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
there are 10 yearolds here who keep calling me on the elbow rule!
Wait are they playing beer pong to?
He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
my left tit made it into the crop job on your profile pic, I knew it was good for other things
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
Noo not in a booty call way, in a 'How are your abs and penis doing today?' sort of way.
i’n just gonna forge ahead, gag reflex be DAMNED.
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
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