Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
this coming from the guy that still thinks "pulling out" is a good form of birth control? just walk away
I hope that the reason I've been psycho on him is that I'm pregnant and not just psycho.
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
How bad would it be if I asked him for my "ho ho ho" thong back? They're my fav christmas pair!
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
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