I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
Words of Wisdom: ordering a pitcher of whiskey cokes, putting a straw in it, and calling it your drink is not socially acceptable
He went down on me in his escalade and his dick is bigger than my forearm. I'm never going back to white guys.
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
Hey, taking organic chemistry means no one is allowed to tell you you're partying too hard.
Maybe snorting K off penises isn't healthy
Guy in my class today said, "I'm pretty sure you think about beer 95% of the time."
Is it something I'm going to want to hug you for or slap you for?
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
Randomize
