my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
i think the world will end when pigs can fly. think about it, everyone says blah blah when pigs fly. so shit would be going down if they ever can.
oh fuck your right
You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
so my dad walked in on us having sex
lulz really? why?
lets just say he wont be answering to 'daddy' for a loooooong time
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
He is the Donovan McNabb of stuff up his ass. Tell me that tomorrow. Too high to remember.
All I can think about is getting a lawsuit and chocolate
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
He said he wanted to have butt sex with me and curl up with me after and just be near me. Then he passed out.
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
So I just noticed that my last drunk google search before going to bed last night was "ghosts based on gays." I have no idea what that's supposed to mean
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
Randomize
