jersey shore has given me a vivid depiction of what things will be like for me once i get to hell
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
Two portable blenders. We are going to be popular and dangerous.
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
halloween is the only time that anne boleyn, the joker, a cowgirl, and a mexican man complete with sombrero and poncho can all hit the same blunt
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
I walk in and my roomie is fucking her bf while wearing lingerie and minnie mouse ears. Right in the childhood.
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
I'm over being sad. I'm now onto thinking about all the ways in which he is a total fuckwaste
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
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