Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
For some reason there are two like 10 year old black girls crumping at the bar. I feel like I'm in a missy elliot video.
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
Just walked by the neighbors and they are definitely butt naked sitting on a bed, watching Netflix, baked out of their minds, with the blinds open.
Welcome to Bellingham.
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
His status said "sad." of course I liked it. I don't even care that I was the only one. Facebook isn't your god damn journal, we don't care about your problems.
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
It's like sleep walking but with blowjobs
My books smell like weed. What does that tell you about my college experience?
Thumbs up
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
Remember that time we were together? Yeah, I don't miss that.
Randomize
