Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
There is somethin about your sexuality that makes my dick do jumping jacks when I see you
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
What are the odds of finding the one hot Australian dude with erecile dysfunction?
I wasn't sure how he was going to followup "so,i shot myself.." i guess "w a nail gun" is the best choice out of what I expected
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
I have the overwhelming need to take care of him. Both with my vagina and like emotionally.
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
i feel like if my pee,blood, or vomit is on it...it should belong to me by default. can we make that a rule?
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
Randomize
