Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
i just got yelled at for having sex. this sorority thing is worst than being at home. at least at home they think im still a virgin
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
First time on E and Chris took me to a petsmart during puppy day. I might die of pure awesomeness.
there's still three solo cups of your puke in my basement. so that needs to be solved at some point.
Oh that's what I forgot last night.. To make out with her.
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
Im shooting goldshlager and waxing my crotch
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
Randomize
