I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
It usually only happens when Im really excited. Normally not that fast. You still enjoy it?
i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
Grape juice and vodka is NOT wine.
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
I dont know but I had two different hospital bands and half a pie when i woke up.
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
took shots off of a myriad of fake boobs last night. It was glorious.
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
It's the kind of dick you travel across the country for
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