You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
please tell me you remember why "7 days" is written above my bed in red marker
It's not kidnapping if it's romantic
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
So is that the only criterion for shenanigans now? Don't die?
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
why isn't there a kind of gay where i let guys give me head but they don't expect me to give it back? i could be that kind of gay
He was that good?
we fucked in the backseat of my car at the observatory, right under the stars. it was a starry, orgasmic filled night
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
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