Why does everyone think all I do is drink? I go to class on wednesdays
You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
I'm drinking rum and coke straight from the 2 liter bottle.
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
If it carries over into the weekend I would be glad to nurse your vagina back to health.
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
Remember that time we got drunk tomorrow
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
You were naked too, so it cancels out. We're straight.
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
Randomize
