My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
The boys are giving me the exam answers and I don't even have to expose my body..yayy engineering!
I buy you gas. You blow me. Economics.
Throwing up in the car while my mom drives, sister holds the bag & my dad holds my hair. This is how my family bonds.
I am still STD free so as far as I am concerned I never went to panama.
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
PS: I just woke up from my shower
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
Honestly I have a huge freedom boner right now and if I came it would be red white and blue
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
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