plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
she acted like she'd never seen someone do speed off of a desk with a rolled up receipt. and she calls herself a grad student.
Drunk. I slept-stripped.
By myself.
Subtly mention that I'm not a lesbian. I would only go for rebecca's nipples because they're pierced and I like shiny things.
there isn't one for "I'll give you an I'm sorry blowjob" but that's also an option you have. in the meantime here is an emoticon of a caterpillar
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
rollerskate sex sounded like a good idea...
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
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