i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
at one point i was feeding a guy sour cream chips and he made me make the "choo choo" noise as they were going in. \ni feel so much closer to him now.\n
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
My liver just had a heart attack.
Thanks to you and Ketel One I now have a court summons with the actual word "frolicking" on it.
Looks like a took a video of myself beating off and passed out last night. I'm classy.
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
I think clothing becomes optional at the second date! But you seem like a rule breaker
Send me a picture of our booze closet. I'm homesick.
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
Randomize
